I am not very sure on how to respond to this... But I have to feel something. I can't just feel nothing.

Situation:
A friend and I were playing with our emotional fire. We've never dated each otherm only had curious feelings. Glad you asked what I meant by that:

In our little time capsule, which we call a car, he whispered softly in my ear, and lightly pulled on my hair. He never whispered he loved me or wanted me, but told asked me what his actions were doing to me. And so I told him that it was turning me on. Then he stopped and invited me to sit on his lap. I clumsily moved from the passengers seat to the drivers seat, and boy was my head hurting. He asked what was wrong after I got comfortable and I told him. "Wow, you really are turned on" he said. Stupid. I already told him that. Then we just sat there, and caught up with each other's lives. It was nice. Then he had to take a piss so we lef the car holding hands. It was 11pm, and the stores were closed. So he had to drop me off to my car and end the night there.

I told my boyfriend this, and of course he got mad. My heart was cheating on him. Even though nothing physically happened, the inside mattered. I know what I did was wrong. But he was my best friend, and if he needed me I will be there for him. Our of the 7 years of knowing him, that was the only time the best friend and I ever did ANYTHING like that. All this happened last year.

He called me a couple weeks ago feeling like someone pooped on his face and needed help. I was there, comforted him, told him the right things to do. He had to tell his current girlfriend what he did even though what we did was a year ago and when he was single.
Boy, his broad was pissed. And now he won't talk to me because he wants to make her happy. What I don't get is he would keep his relationship with someone you had sex with (this girl I speak of was never his girlfriend, just a chick on th side), but he won't keep the one who's been with him through all sorts of his emotional struggles.

But in his girlfriends perspective, I understand. So, I'm burying him-- for both of our sakes.

R.I.P. You're dead to me.

I feel so worn down. I am compelled to do things for Christ because it's my only way to show Him that I love Him, but my flesh is wrapped tightly around me that I sometimes forget the reasons I love Him and question my actions. It's a horrible realization when you don't have much of a relationship with someone in the faith, as close as you want them to. It sounds crazy and dumb, but I'm soul searching... Searching for that special friend to fill the void of my conversations. It's hard to accept what I have; I'm not as excited because I can't learn from them. I don't want to be the only one sounding excited about the Bible, about God's lessons He taught me, but if that's what it takes to find that person, then that's exactly what I will do. I will teach until this person reveals his/herself  to me. I'm just praying that it's someone strong, VERY strong in the faith.

Hey xanga, it's been a while :)

So far everythign has been falling into place. God truly has something big and planned for me. I know this is gonna sounds stupid... But I think I've found someone who is at the spiritual, or close to, equivalance.. This makes me excited! To be able to talk to someone who understands the Word as much as I do- AND THEY'RE NOT MALE OR OLD :D That's the most exciting part for me :]

Life has been incredible. I guess it's just how to take the outlook of it all. Yeah, everythign is tangled up now, but once all the weaving is done, the golden tapestry will reveal your ultimate happiness- and that's God holding your hand then entire time you were here living on this earth.

It feels so good to be with Him when, I am. It feels horribly wrong when I forget Him... It really tells me a lot about my relationship with Him, and I'm very happy to know where it all stands...at least I think I know :p

Goodnight xanga, working in Seattle tomorrow and it's pretty late. See ya next time!